These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
