i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
