I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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