god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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