I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
