Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
