omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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