The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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