God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
