Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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