I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
