just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
