I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
