Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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