those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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