3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
