margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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