my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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