I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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