Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
