The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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