I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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