I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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