Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
