Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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