Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wish my penis had a tongue
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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