if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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