and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
