I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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