Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
