meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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