it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think your dad took our porno
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
