I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
