I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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