Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
