The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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