A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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