Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
