Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
