WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
