I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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