Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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