we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
