someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
even my farts smell like vagina
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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