Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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