i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
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I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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