I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
