I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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