i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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