even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
