oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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