she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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