yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
