I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize