Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
