God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
