Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
