I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
