The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
