this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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